Me, Myself, And I
by Nekoyaz
Summary: After getting drunk and getting into a fight with his girlfriend, Liz, Gilbert wakes up in a strange place filled with people who look just like people he knows, including himself, but with different personalities. Gilbert loves himself more than humanly possible but is it enough to save his other self. Human and 2P AU's.
1. Chapter 1

"Wait a sec, almost done. Hold still! There. Open your eyes."

Gilbert opened his eyes to one of the sexiest things he'd ever seen in his life. Shit! He was getting a boner. Damn did he make a good looking woman. He'd do himself in a heartbeat. Liz was truly skilled at makeup. He was a sexy man and an even sexier woman. His poor girlfriend just couldn't compare. When they went in public, there was no doubt that they'd get honked at and catcalled.

"Be honest. Am I good or what?"

"Babe, you're the second best after me! Let's go show off your hard work."

And with that they left for the Halloween party. Liz was dressed as Satan and Gilbert was Satan's bride. Gilbert's dress was short but he knew he had the legs to pull it off. He'd shaved just for this. The dark pink goat horns, white wig, and long false eyelashes felt strange on his head but it was only for one night and he was sure that after a few drinks he wouldn't even feel them. His hot girlfriend, currently turned husband, had her long hair pulled into a masculine low ponytail, her breasts bound, large black ram horns pinned on, and a realistic looking goatee glued in place at her chin. While Gilbert was adorned in a slutty facsimile of a wedding dress, Liz was wearing his red suit (a real baller had a suit for everyday of the week) and carrying a cheap costume pitchfork. They were about the same height so, at least from a distance or in dim light, they looked convincing.

As they turned onto the street, they could already hear the thumping of loud music. One would think that such a spectacle would have immediately drawn the police but the party's host, Antonio, had already planned for that. A week before the date, he'd sent Gilbert and their good friend Francis out to get written permission from all the neighbors. Francis could flirt most men or women into doing anything for him and Gilbert "had no shame" as he was commonly told. At the entrance to the house, there was an angry looking man with chin length blond hair. He was wearing normal clothes with a green diamond held over his head by a thin wire.

"I need to see I.D."

"Vash! It's Me! Gilbert! And Liz! You know us."

"No one enters without I.D. I'll remove you with force if I must."

Gilbert grumbled and stuck his hand into his cleavage and dug around under the padding where he kept his phone, some cash, and his license in case he needed to drive. Vash glared when he was handed a sweaty, skin temperature card. Liz handed hers over as well but of course her outfit had pockets. Vash handed him back his I.D., told him to "eat a dick" , and let them both in.

Gilbert made a grand entrance that'd taken him half a day to set up. He pressed a button taped to the wall that caused glitter guns to fire glitter at the crowd and a spot light to blink on that focused on the pair. Gilbert dramatically waltzed into the house with Liz at his side. Once at the end of his planned runway, Gilbert was dipped by Liz and given a passionate kiss that caused hoots and hollers from the watching crowd. After the kiss was finished more glitter rained down, this time from the ceiling.

After the DJ pulled everyone's focus back with a new song, Gilbert went to check out the food. It was in the next room so no glitter would harm it. There was of course a big bowl of green colored witches brew (heavily spiked) as the focus point in the center of the table with smaller bowls of Halloween candy on either side. A scoop of Antonio's famous homemade salsa was the first thing Gilbert loaded on a plate as Liz simply got a cup of the Halloween themed punch and wandered off to find her friends. Gilbert was getting some food in his stomach before hitting the alcohol when a pair of hands reached around and squeezed his fake boobs.

"Salute, ma belle."

"Hey Franny!"

Gilbert turned to see his French friend dressed as a foppish ghost. The costume leaned more towards sexy than scary but it was obvious that the costume had taken a lot of effort. Francis was just as flashy as he was when it came to theatrics. Francis' entrance had unfortunately been missed by Gilbert but it would have surely rivaled it.

"What a beautiful woman you make, Gil. I almost couldn't tell it was you. Where is your enchanting petite amie? I want to see what she is wearing."

"I know! I'm the hottest girl here! Liz is Satan. You might have already seen her walking around. She's wearing my Friday suit. She looks handsome. Sex tonight is going to be great!"

They both chuckled in agreement before grabbing a cup of punch each and going to look for Antonio. It wasn't hard, they just had to follow the sounds of loud cursing. Antonio always followed after his childhood friend and crush, Lovino, and where the fiery brunette was, Antonio was sure to be there. What did surprise them was what they were wearing. Antonio was dressed as a soldier or something with a gun and Lovino was dressed like an old lady.

"What are you supposed to be, Toni?"

Antonio turned from the object of his affections to shine a blinding smile at them. He reached over and tapped someone behind him's shoulder. The nice girl who lived next door and a man Gilbert didn't know came over to stand next to Antonio and Lovino. The girl was wearing a cute dress and a red hooded cloak. The man beside her was wearing a werewolf costume.

"Uh, what?"

"We're the characters from Little Red Riding Hood dumb ass! Bella's Red. Tim's the Wolf. I'm Grandma, and this bastard here is the Huntsman. How are you still friends with these dumb fucks?"

Lovino was in his usual tempers. Gilbert just didn't see what his buddy saw in the angry little man. Antonio was attractive enough. He could easily catch someone else. But that wasn't Gilbert's business. His own costume was though.

"Guess what I am!"

"The Devil's Bride."

"How did you know?!"

"You posted selfies on Instagram before you came over."

Antonio was still smiling the same so Gilbert couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic. Probably not though. Now that their trio was united the party was officially started. The night was filled with drinking, dancing, and mild pranks on the guests (Couldn't do anything serious or they would all leave). The trio got drawn into a game of truth or dare and that's how Gilbert found himself making out with a girl who wasn't his girlfriend. If someone refused a dare, they had to take a shot of the askers choosing. Gilbert could have refused and taken the shot, but his pride wouldn't let him back down from the request. He grabbed the woman dressed as a slutty bumblebee and gave the other players a show. Francis whistled perversely from his spot on the floor and that was the last thing Gilbert heard before a fist connected with the side of his head and knocked him to the ground.

"I can't believe you!"

Gilbert pushed the long hair of the wig out of his face to see his enraged girlfriend glaring down at him. From this position, she truly looked like Satan himself. Gilbert pulled himself from the floor, struggling to rise with heels on.

"We were playing truth or dare. It means nothing."

"Nothing?! Why didn't you say no?!"

"I couldn't back down from a dare, babe, I'd look like a coward."

"Don't 'babe' me. And who cares! It's just a game. You always do this! You are so selfish!"

"I told you it didn't mean anything!"

"And I've told you many times before that this bothers me. It means something to me! You couldn't hold back for one dare! You couldn't do this for me because the only person who matters to you is yourself!"

"I do care about you!"

"No, you don't. It's like you said earlier. I'm second best after you. I'm tired of being second to you. We're done."

Liz ended the shouting match with a level and tired voice. She left the room and eventually the house. Knowing how violent she could get when angered Gilbert expected the door to be slammed and for everyone to know his shame, but she closed the door with a quiet click. Everyone in their circle was silently watching before they started muttering quietly to each other. Francis was the first to take action. He led the still shocked Gilbert out of the room and away from the gossiping voices.

"I'm sure if you wait for her to cool down, she'll change her mind and take you back."

"Take me back?! No. She won't be 'taking me back.' She'll come crawling back to me. I never beg and I don't apologize when it's not my fault. It's her fault for being so sensitive!"

Gilbert pressed at the side of his head where she'd hit him. It was tender and he winced. It would most likely bruise. At least it wasn't his face. He didn't know what he would do if she'd broken his perfect face. The wig had cushioned some of the blow, so Gilbert didn't think he had a concussion. A pain killer would still be needed though.

"You think Antonio has anything for this?"

Gilbert pointed to the side of his head. Francis helped him find Antonio and when they came across the man, word had already spread through the crowd about what happened. Antonio gave him some soda instead of alcohol to take the pills and let him go into one of the guest rooms to rest. Gilbert felt a touch of anger as he locked the door and flopped down on the bed. Liz had made him the laughing stock of the party! Everyone was whispering about him and how he couldn't take care of his girlfriend. They probably thought he was a pussy for getting smacked around like that! He'd show them all that he was no weakling to be pushed around by a woman. After he took a short nap that was the first thing he would do.

AN: Well here's another fic I shouldn't be posting because I already have too many I'm working on now. I actually wrote this waaaaaay back in January and it's just been sitting on my computer until I started cleaning things out.


	2. Chapter 2

Gilbert opened his eyes to see darkness except for the glowing red numbers of a digital clock. 5:36. From how dark it was, he assumed it was in the AM. He felt uncomfortable in the tight dress and the wig still on his head; The left over glitter itching. Antonio was only a little larger, he could just borrow something to wear after he showered. Antonio would need help cleaning up anyway. All that glitter would be a bitch to sweep up, but man it'd been worth it seeing all those eyes watching. Gilbert rolled out of the guest bed and stumbled in the direction of the connected bathroom. When he reached out for the knob, there was nothing there. Gilbert felt around for the door, but it was just a wall. He blindly followed the wall trying to find a door or a light switch. His hand brushed against a curtain but instead of it sliding back to show him the outside, the edge of the curtain was firmly taped down.

That was really weird. Antonio was pretty much human sunshine. He loved using as much natural light as possible in his home and had sunroofs in his kitchen and bathrooms as well as spacious oversized windows in most of the rooms. Gilbert kept going along the wall, searching with his bare feet for objects that might trip him now that he suspected he wasn't in the Spaniards home. He finally found a light switch and flipped it on. A dim light that seemed on its last leg lit up the royal blue room.

This was definitely not Antonio's house. This wasn't Francis' house either. He couldn't have gone home with someone, could he? He quit drinking after Liz hit him. He specifically remembered going to sleep in Antonio's guest room. There was no explanation for being in a strange house besides that he went home with someone. He probably woke up, got fully drunk, and went home with one of the girls from the party to teach Liz a lesson. The room resembled a teenager's room. There were clothes overflowing from a hamper and posters covering the walls. A desk covered in food wrappers around a computer. Gruesome figurines lined the shelves in front of rows of books. There were patches of dust here and there in places the occupant of the room had not moved things in a while. The bed was unmade and had clothes and books slung on it around the area Gilbert had been sleeping.

Did he fuck a minor?! Gilbert freaked out for a second before he remembered how seriously Vash had taken his job of keeping trick or treating kiddies out of the party. The person was just a slob then. Gilbert wasn't as bad as his brother, Ludwig, could be about cleanliness, but he still had an overwhelming urge to put things into neat order. Didn't people realize how much more efficient your life could be if everything you needed was easy to find? Ludwig would have just started cleaning the stranger's house, but Gilbert left it. He didn't clean other people's things for them unless they could do something for him.

Gilbert caught sight of a mirror that was covered with a dirty towel. He removed the towel to stare at himself. He was still wearing the costume from last night. His wig was a bit matted from sleeping in it and his makeup was smeared. If anything it made him look more like a demon. The smudged eyeliner made smoky eyes and didn't look half bad. The false eyelashes seemed to still be hanging on for dear life. The wig looked like he'd just left from a cool demon battle. Somehow his long pink horns were still clipped into the wig, though he did have to adjust one to make it straight. His clothes were still mostly clean. He didn't look like he'd had sex. He didn't feel like he'd had sex either. He had only the slightest of headache. But that was because of Liz and not a blackout drunk hangover.

Gilbert noticed something strange in the background. The closed bedroom door had words scribbled all over it in multiple colored markers. The door was covered from top to bottom. Hours and hours worth of writing. Gilbert moved closer to read them.

"You are nothing and you will always be nothing."

"Everyone wants you to die. Why can't you just die already?"

"Why didn't I disappear? Why does God punish me with my existence?"

"I want to die. Please let me just die."

"I hate this ugly face."

There were too many things for Gilbert to read but most of scribbles were along the same lines. Gilbert couldn't believe someone would write things like this. He couldn't understand why someone would write this. How could someone hate themselves and want to die? There were so many things to live for. Like looking at his reflection or hearing himself laugh. It was obviously a cry for help. From how the door swung into the room, anyone entering wouldn't see the writing until they closed the door and turned around. It was so easy to find these suicidal writings, someone just had to come in and stay. The person who lived in the room saw these things every time they left. They believed these things to be true before they even stepped out into the world each morning.

Gilbert opened the door, apprehensive about who might be on the other side. But all he saw were boxes and a set of stairs leading up. He was in a basement. But then why were there taped down curtains? Sure if someone had large windows and wanted it dark, they would do that. But this was a basement. The windows in basements were usually tiny and near the ceiling. Gilbert quietly climbed the stairs in case he needed to sneak out of the house. He felt around in his bra as he climbed, trying to find his phone. It wasn't there.

When he opened the door to the house, he was dismayed to see it trashed beyond belief. It was even worse than the room downstairs. It actually looked as if the house had recently been ransacked. Shattered glass and broken furniture littered the mess. Gilbert continued looking for an exit when he heard yelling. It sounded just like Ludwig!

Gilbert made his way towards the noise. If his brother was here to rescue him, then he could at least help. As he peered into a kitchen, he saw Ludwig jump back in time to not get stabbed. It looked like Feli, Ludwig's best friend. What was going on?! Ludwig came back at Feli with a fist to his face that sent the smaller man flying, destroying the kitchen table. Gilbert's eyes widened in surprise. His brother would never hit Feli like that. He had to do something.

"Ludwig! Stop it!"

The fighting ceased as the men were frozen staring at him. They both looked as if they would flee any moment and Gilbert started laughing at their faces. His costume was pretty great.

"What fresh hell is this!?" Ludwig shouted backing away.

Feli gave an unidentifiable growl in agreement. Gilbert rolled his eyes. Obviously they'd never seen such an awesome costume before. Maybe they didn't recognize him. The wig and dramatic makeup did make him look like a chick.

"It's me, Gilbert. Calm down. I wore this to the Halloween party. I can't believe you guys didn't see my grand entrance. And when did you get a scar Ludwig? Is that makeup?"

Gilbert moved closer to inspect the sick looking scar on Ludwig's cheek. Did Liz do it for him? It looked so real. Ludwig was also wearing contacts, as was Feli. Their costumes were really cool. Some kind of military uniforms. When he reached to touch the makeup wound, his hand was grabbed in a crushing grip.

"Who gave you permission to touch me!? Who is Gilbert?"

"Um, your awesome older brother, duh."

"I have only one brother and you are not him. Stop with your lies!"

Gilbert tried to free his hand but he couldn't budge. Ludwig's grip was like steel. It was inhuman. Something was wrong here. If he could just remove this costume, they would see his glorious face and remember him. He just had to get away long enough. He didn't have to think of an escape plan long as Feli had grown bored with the conversation and leaped at Ludwig. Once the fighting started again, Gilbert made his escape to the next room. He needed to find a bathroom or something. He traveled down a hallway that looked promising. Before he could find the bathroom, a door opened and someone stepped out. They had shoulder length gray hair that hung in greasy unwashed clumps. As they turned to face Gilbert, he gasped. That face! He knew it so well. He'd spent days, weeks, a lifetime, staring at that face. The face that looked back at him was his own.

AN: My favorite headcanon for 2P Italy is that he inherited a berserker personality from Rome and acts more like an animal than a person.


	3. Chapter 3

"If you've come to take me to Hell, do it quickly."

Gilbert was frozen in shock for several moments before the words registered. His costume was better than he thought! Which was a little unbelievable considering it was the best costume at the entire party last night. His clone truly believed he was a beautiful demon woman come to sweep him away to his eternal damnation. If he weren't so dazed by seeing his double he would have made a flirtatious comment. Something along the lines of "I'll make your suffering long and hard." Or "Hopefully not too quickly." The lack of emotion in which the statement was uttered bothered Gilbert. Despite the words that had fallen from the man's mouth, his expression had not changed once.

Gilbert reached out and touched his mirror's face only to feel greasy skin that had not been exfoliated, properly cleansed, or moisturized in quite some time. The man did nothing but close his eyes and accept his fate. Gilbert caught their reflection in a cracked mirror hanging on the wall. It looked as if a fallen angel was accepting a dead warrior into her embrace. The military uniform clothing the man was torn and faded like something out of another time.

"Why do you have my awesome face?"

Gilbert's voice came out a bit breathless. The man's eyes snapped open and for once his expression changed. It was one of confusion. Gilbert needed to show him. He needed to clean this makeup off. Liz was a goddess at contouring so no wonder the man couldn't recognize his own face like this.

"I'm wearing makeup. Give me a few minutes and you'll see."

Gilbert walked around the man into the bathroom he'd just exited, turned on the light, and shut the door. The mirror was mostly gone save for a little corner barely hanging on. All they had was bar soap and shampoo. The shampoo would have to do. The soap would strip his skin of its natural oils and dry it out. And Gilbert would never punish his face like that. And so he scrubbed at the makeup with his bare hands and shampoo. It took everything off but the mascara after a few tries. That was good enough. Gilbert carefully removed the horns and the pins holding the wig in place. He had nothing to style his hair so he just ruffled it up for that sex hair look he was famous for and hoped it would stay in place for the grand reveal. When he opened the door he did not get the reaction he expected. He expected awe or even arousal. But what he got was a smack to the head that knocked him unconscious.

"Do you think the Allies sent this imposter?"

"Why would he come dressed as a woman and not like me?"

"Is he a human?"

"He was knocked out cold with just a tap."

Gilbert woke to the sound of voices speaking over him. Ugh. His head hurt much worse than it had when Liz hit him. He definitely had a concussion now. They needed to take him to the hospital so he wouldn't slip away into a coma and rob the world of his brilliance.

"Can one of you guys take me to a doctor or something? I think I have a concussion."

His and Ludwig's doppelgangers ceased their conversation to look at him. There were very few times in his life he felt uncomfortable being stared at and this was one of those times. The cold eyes that looked at him were the eyes of murderers. Gilbert had the sinking feeling that he was about to get his ass kicked and he didn't know why.

"State your business or prepare to be tortured!"

"I don't have any business. I thought I fucked somebody here. I was about to make the walk of shame home."

His response was the last thing either man standing above him expected. Gilbert looked down and realized he was still wearing the dress. It now had stains. (Great, he had to get it dry cleaned.) They probably thought he was a weirdo. Just running around dressed like a demon woman.

"What are you doing in our home?"

The solemn voice caused Gilbert to look up into his own face. His eyes were the unnatural color of blood unlike Gilbert's light pink. It was a bit unnerving.

"Trying to not be in your house?"

"Tell us who sent you!"

Ludwig's clone smacked Gilbert in the face. Gilbert clutched his cheek with one hand and was about to hit back but thought better of it when he remembered how this monster of a man had sent Feli's double flying earlier.

"Hey! Watch the face! I like mine just the way it is!"

"That was just a tap. The next won't be so gentle."

"No one sent me! I woke up here. Why does he look like me only less awesome? I didn't think it was humanly possible for this face to look so not awesome."

The two evil clones stepped away to mutter between themselves. Gilbert gently felt his cheek to see if it was damaged. He had taken a lot of blows to the general head area and he did not want his beauty marred. Nor did he want his wonderful brain to be anything less than perfect. These guys needed to stop hitting him.

"We should kill him."

"What if he's not a spy?"

"That never stopped you before."

"If they were going to make a human look like me, why would they send him in dressed this way?"

He really did have a point. If Gilbert were a spy, he'd do a way better job than this. He'd so get all their secrets and even more. That was kind of creepy actually. One of them looked like himself and the other his baby brother. But alas, Gilbert had not been blessed to have been drafted as a spy kid as a child. He was just his normal awesome self. He needed to up the charm and convince them to stop hurting him.


End file.
